A Bridge Over Troubled Water Coolers
When office talk gets too steamy or controversial, even an intern has the right to say 'enough is enough'
Just when you thought you got the ins and outs of your office down - manage sideways as well as up, don't talk to Matt after his accounting meeting on Thursdays, and your boss likes all reports formatted in three-inch margins - the inevitable happens: A co-worker, asks what you think about same-sex marriage. You freeze. What do you say?
David Swink, the president of Strategic Interactions, Vienna, Va., a consulting firm that helps companies maneuver through these kinds of issues, says the easiest way to handle a topic you feel is taboo is to be honest and say, "I don't feel comfortable talking about my political views at the office."
But as Americans spend more time at the office, developing personal relationships with their colleagues, fielding questions and comments that might make you uncomfortable is becoming the 21st century incarnation of water cooler conversation.
"When you spend a lot of time at work, you get comfortable with your co-workers and supervisors and often talk about very intimate things, but that doesn't mean that you can't ever bow out gracefully," Swink says.
The blurring of our professional and social spheres, however, often further complicates bowing out gracefully. In other words, we all have an office persona and a more relaxed, social persona that can often conflate after a few beers.
And having some of your closest friends at work might make them feel more at ease to let those not so "politically correct" comments roll off the tongue.
But that might be even more reason not to let comments slide. Whether it's your boss who constantly berates you for your political views, your co-worker who is always making those off-color sexual comments, or the head of your company that won't stop using profanity, Swink says the same approach applies to confronting all of them.
"In the optimal world, the lowest person on the totem poll should be able to tell the CEO that they feel uncomfortable with something."
However, the reality is that most people are more tepid about confronting their superiors. To ease the confrontation, Swink advises to do one of three things: "One: you can change the subject; two: tell the person you prefer not to talk about that subject at work; three: have the conversation but tread carefully on the topic, particularly if the person has strong views that might not be in line with your own."
A lot of the inappropriate office banter often surfaces in the form of racially, ethnically or sexually-laced jokes.
And while Chris Rock, Sacha Baron Cohen and Sarah Silverman can get away with telling these kinds of jokes, the average American worker cannot.
"These are the kinds of comments that I would advise anyone - whether you work in the mailroom or run your own company - to be very careful about making, since you never know who you could be offending."
While being sensitive to people's race, ethnicity and sexuality, should go without saying, Swink says the higher up you go, the more cautious you need to be.
"I have seen people's careers ruined by inappropriate comments. I get called in all the time to do coaching with executives who are big rainmakers for their company, but their offices are imploding because of what they say to their underlings."
In one case, Swink and his team were called in to smooth over a situation where an executive kept referring to his administrative assistant as "my girl."
"It was creating a very unhealthy culture at the office. And even if people say they aren't offended by the comment, it doesn't look good for the company to have its employees treated that way."
Swink gives these tips to help nip inappropriate office behavior:
Check the person's intentions. Don't assume their intention was to offend. Use a lot of "I" statements, and say something along the lines, "I know your intention wasn't to offend me, but when you made that comment it really humiliated me."
Remember it's always acceptable to say, "I prefer to keep my religious and political views to myself."
Use humor. For example, if someone makes a joke about short people and you take offense, you might say, "It's interesting, then, that short people make the most sales around here."
When confronting a higher-up, open with something positive. For example, "I have always respected your leadership, so I hope you don't mind if I am honest with you."
Hannah Seligson is a writer based in New York and the author of “New Girl on the Job: Advice from the Trenches” (Citadel Press, 2007).
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