I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar
Keeping your cool can be ineffective – and unsatisfying – when confrontations come calling. Sometimes it’s better to get angry and get over it
Anger is no laughing matter. Health problems linked to unmanaged anger include heart attack, stroke, high blood pressure, depression and anxiety, insomnia, headache and stomach pain, but studies show that suppressing anger can lead to similar health risks. So, if you’re so angry you could cry/scream/spit/explode … should you?
The key is that word “unmanaged.” Feeling angry actually can be healthy, but there are rules for how best to express it if you want the experience to be truly constructive or cathartic.
“The first rule of thumb is to never get your anger out on a living thing,” says Jim Messina, Ph.D., a psychologist and cofounder of Coping.org, a Web site that contains tools for managing many of life’s major stressors. “Expressing anger onto other people is never good for your mental health.”
Confronting people who you feel have wronged you can be very healing, he explains, but it is important to leave the “raw” anger, rage, hate, resentment, yelling, screaming, ranting and raving out of it if you actually want to repair the hurt or frustration that is usually at the core of the anger.
“A healthy confrontation tells the person who hurt you exactly what they did to hurt you,” Messina says, “and, if possible, what you expect the person to do in the future so as not to repeat the offending action.”
Richard Driscoll, Ph.D., Knoxville, Tenn., a clinical psychologist who specializes in anger management and stress reduction, agrees. The first step is to specify in your own mind what the other person has done, and what you need for the situation to be fixed, he says. The next step is to find some way to express your grievance without too much outward anger, which usually means calmly and clearly stating your problem and trying to stay on the specific subject at hand. The third step is to allow the other person some time to think about what you said.
“Although it may feel satisfying in the moment, sarcasm has a zero-percent success rate,” Driscoll says. “Avoid exaggerations and personal attacks that use phrases like ‘you never’ and ‘you always’.” This type of language tends to make the other person defensive and far less likely to feel sympathy or remorse.
“If you want people to take you seriously, then you must act rational, realistic, and humane,” Messina says. “People will respond to rational people who can state facts, give alternatives to the problem and assist in helping come up with a solution. You will be listened to, respected and hopefully responded to in a manner which says the person heard what you had to say and will strive not to repeat the unwelcome behavior toward you in the future.”
But sometimes you may need a little storm before the calm. In this case, you can direct your anger at an inanimate object, Messina says.
Constructive ways of letting your anger out include focused actions such as beating on a weight bag, using a hammer to hammer nails, breaking glass jars or other objects in sealed paper or cloth bags, beating on pillows or mattresses, yelling in an empty car or outside in a vacant lot or park or engaging in other activities conducive to contained emotional release. According to Messina, another good option, which also allows for reflection, is to take 30 minutes to write down what made you angry and then, the next day, read what you wrote out loud until your anger has lessened. You then burn what you wrote and begin the next day by writing out what you are still angry with, and the day after, read and burn it. Repeat this cycle, continuing day after day until you are no longer angry.
This process may also help you to pinpoint some surprising triggers for what causes you to feel angry, thereby prompting you to make adjustments in your daily life so you don’t have to go with your bad self in the first place.
“The best strategy is to stand back from your anger and realize what it is,” Driscoll says. “Recognize that sometimes there are situations that you can’t fix. Remind yourself that this is not the first time in human history that this has happened.”
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