Family Feud: Holiday Edition
Struggling to be polite. Straining to smile. Steering clear of potential arguments. Ah, the holiday family gathering
Struggling to be polite. Straining to smile. Steering clear of potential arguments. Ah, the holiday family gathering. For millions of Americans, these annual pilgrimages to the old homestead are loaded with more stress than a high-tension cable on the Golden Gate Bridge. Longstanding sibling rivalries, tensions between in-laws, drunk uncles, nitpicking aunts and the ritual criticisms (When are you going to have children? When are you going to get a better job?) can make the trip less desirable than coal in your stocking. But don't despair. As an early holiday gift, we've put together a nice (not naughty) list of things you can do to help survive - and even thrive in - these family gatherings. And best of all, you can get started right away:
1) Practice Makes Perfect
Psychologist John C. Friel, co-author of "Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families" (HCI, 1988) with wife, Linda D. Friel, says now is the time to start working on your talking points.
"One of the things I tell families is that from November 1st to January 2nd, you need to practice your conversational skills," says Friel, who works in Reno, Nevada and St. Paul, Minn. "It's the small talk that is the emotional glue that keeps people and families together."
"Before you leave for the family gathering, a week or two before, start calling up a few relatives to chat about how their lives are going, make good connections with them before you arrive. E-mail can work as well as text messaging," says Kate Gaston, vice president of affiliates services and relations for Mental Health America, Alexandria, Va. "What you are doing is building your 'gathering' of friends and family before you get to the event."
If you're sure to be facing people who have caused you pain in the past, Gaston suggests playing out a few scenarios beforehand.
"Play act with a best friend, practice how you want to respond when you are not in the elements of the moment," Gaston says. You may also want to "consider how you are going to successfully not be in the same room, seated at the same table or sharing the same space."
2) Make The First Move
Annoying, mocking and challenging people at family gatherings, Gaston says, are often looking for attention. So consider giving it to them right away.
"Immediately approach them and say hello and keep them talking for five minutes about what they have been doing in the past year, months, etc.," Gaston says. "In other words, give them your undivided attention, pay a couple of compliments, say you are glad they are there and then slowly and quietly bring someone else into the conversation while you slip off to 'help in the kitchen' or 'unload the car' or 'take a call.' You've built a moment that is 'all about them' because that is what they want anyway, and then you've moved on to another person with a smile on your face."
3) Steer Clear of Danger
Should this person, or another, continue to bother or annoy you during the course of the family gathering, Friel says almost everyone is capable of being steered in a different direction.
"So if somebody were to say, 'Gee Jeff, are you gonna eat that second piece of pie?' You can go for a one-two count, kind of stare off into space and start discussing whether the Vikings are going to win the Super Bowl or not," Friel says. "Or, if you get really good at it, you can look right at them and say, 'I'll answer that in a second, but I've been meaning to ask you, how is that new job going? Or how is your puppy?' Steer the conversation towards another direction or gently nudge the conversation back into their court instead of slamming it in their face."
4) Don't Bite The Bait
People in dysfunctional families are always trying to line up other family members against each other, Friel says.
"Say your sister comes up to you and says your brother is being a jerk and she tries to seduce you into fighting with your brother and taking her side," Friel says. "All you have to do is not to bite the bait. Say, 'That sounds confusing.' Or just say 'I'm not sure what I can do. I've got enough problems of my own.'"
5) If All Else Fails ...
Despite all your efforts, if a particular family member just cannot stop criticizing your life or marriage or job, what's the best way to handle it? By combining graciousness with power, Friel says you can tell them to lay off without losing your cool
"Instead of getting defensive and angry, say, 'I really appreciate your concern for me. It's just one of those things I'm going to have to work out myself,'" Friel says.
Again, you may want to practice these responses, either by yourself, with a friend or with a professional therapist.
"In therapy sessions, it can take a year for someone to learn how to say that graciously," Friel says. "And if you're the black sheep or the loser in the family, it's going to be even harder."
In the end, the key to happiness for family gatherings may lie in the holiday spirit itself. And acting less like a child.
"You look at families that have a good time during the holidays, there's a lot of graciousness and kindness," Friel says. "The ability to set differences aside. And that takes being a grown up."
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